Mash-Up No. 2: Old & New

Hollywood Art

(Or that Poor, Chaste Pool in the Middle of Mayhem)

Our, ahem/barf (take your pick), beloved “Melrose Place” has been forced out of retirement. Aaron Spelling, the creator and the stock, of Melrose and of Tori, respectively, must be so smug in high heavens. God rest his creative soul.

He lives!!!

Yes, MP’s been remade. Of course, it’s been jazzed up and updated for the Googling, Kindle-ing, Twittering and recession proof fans of the 21^st century. Tori, your depleted trust fund finally has a source of replenishment. Fresh revenue streams are sweet!

I remember the original MP as set in La La Land. It was about twenty-something beautiful people and their issues, in a really nice cluster of apartments with a pool in the middle. Nice place. I always fancied myself a place like that. And that pool, of course. It was a convoluted exchange of libidos and body fluids.

Aye, I forget the stories now, but the secret formula goes something like this (deep breath):

Philandering hunk meets shy girl, but vamp owns hunk; shy girl pines; will she settle for the safe, sweet guy instead? (Europa halts its orbit in suspense); nah, she steals the hunk; vamp seethes with her red angry nails; confronts not-so-shy girl no more; cat fight!;  in the pool!; wet meeeoowww!; hunk chooses shy girl; vamp humiliated to the Nth power; meanwhile, kibitzing sweet guy is crushed; pleads with shy girl; shy girl has an epiphany; hallelujah!;  shy girl realizes that sweet guy’s the better man; shy girl dumps hunk; in her boudoir, vamp plots revenge; bides time; stalks shy girl; shower scene, Hitchcock style; oh, just a safe social call, false alarm; vamp extends diplomatic hand, still with red angry nails; closure? (you wish); vamp seduces sweet guy; in his moment of weakness, sweet guy hops into bed with vamp; set-up, set-up, set-up!; shy girl walks into them mid-coitus. Lalalalala.

Revenge is best served hot. In bed. In the arms of your enemy’s lover. 

How fare thee, new MP? Are you as convoluted? Gnarled? Delicious? Bubble gum sweet and mindless like the old?

Final thought: I recall that lonely pool. You know, that excluded middle which remained the only CHASTE character, amidst the debauchery. Yes, Dilbert, a prop can assume a character role, a context that defines and relates with the rest.

A CHASTE pool? Not. Maybe the pool will have a fling with the bidet (blecch!) or the bathtub, this time. Naughty thing.  

Hell, is there even a pool? 

PS:  The original had a powerhouse cast! Charlotte (Sex and the City), Bree (Desperate Housewives. Still crazy after all these years, I see: after Dr. Kimberly Shaw!) Georgia (Ally McBeal).

Aaron Spelling, also the creator of Charlie’s Angels, knew how to spin dreams and careers, indeed.